What Not To Do On An Airplane, Part I: Keep Your Bum to Yourself
It's important to keep in mind that coach class is tiny. It is the biggest section of the plane, but it
is also the most compact. The aisles in coach class are only wide enough to allow your carry-on to fit the length. That means you have approximately 14 inches of space to work with in the aisles, depending on the type of plane. It's only natural that when you stand up, you attempt to maneuver yourself in the best possible way to make the most of the 14 inches you have to work with. But you forget, stupid human, that there are other people around you.Syndrome: Bum in Face
Example: Passenger in 35H stands up and turns clockwise to allow passenger in 35I out of the row.
Result: The clockwise movement turns the passenger so that the stupid passenger's bum is now in the face of the passenger across the aisle.
The passenger in the unfortunate seat to receive your bum is not amused by this. In fact, the urge to stick things in the culprit bum is hard to fight. Especially, when the bum is only half covered because of low-rise jeans.
RED ALERT WARNING: Some people are so stupid they turn counter-clockwise and instead of a bum in your face, you are stuck with the unmentionable. At this point, you have reason to throw to a G-d damn fit.
The Solution: When you stand up, stay facing forward. If you do turn clockwise and your bum appears in the face of another passenger, it is that passenger's right to start spanking.
Airline Games Part I: It's All About the Money, Honey
Airlines are in business to make money - bottom line. So it stands to reason that when passenger A asks for another seat in another class, airline A asks for more money. Fair enough. The question, however, is how much money.
$5,000 was the lucky fare on the London flights.
Story: It's always fair game to ask for an upgrade -- if you don't ask, you might be stuck in coach when a big comfy seat remains empty for the remainder of the flight. But, you should be prepared to pay. Usually, you will simply pay an upgrade fee but some airlines will institute the new ticket rule and you'll be stuck paying for a brand new ticket at the current day-of price.
Stay with me...
When I approached the ticket counter in London and asked for an upgrade seat I was given the standard $5,000 line that I had heard before. So I asked, "What happened to the airline upgrade fee?" And the agent replied, "That's still in effect only if coach class is full, so you might want to ask at check-in if you can upgrade." Fair enough.
Check-in: Gay man straight from the Botox office pumped full of collagen in his lips welcomes me to Flt 155 to Boston. I politely ask Balloon Lips for an upgrade. He says, "How would you like to pay?" I said, "I'll pay cash for an upgrade." You can often cash in points, but I knew I didn't have enough airline points to use so cash it was. He said, "That will be 2,500 pounds." (converted: $5,000). Give me a freaking break!
"I spoke with the agent and bla, bla, bla...$250...was already bumped from my seat...bla, bla, bla," and Balloon Lips said, "You can talk with my colleague, but it's $5,000."
I take my coach class ticket and walk to the seating counter desk to "talk with my colleague." A little blond pony-tailed hair girl greats me.
"Good day, Ma'am, how can I help you?" I tell her my story. I'm bumped from a flight, I want a better seat and my friend, too, and I'm willing to pay the upgrade fee but I KNOW I don't have to pay for a new ticket.
"There are no more seats left, Ma'am. The flight is completely full."
Wait... what?????? Balloon lips just told me there were seats available if I wanted to pay $5,000. Confused, I go back to my seat and share the story with my travel friend.
She says, "So, let me get this straight. If I want to give you $5,000 you'll upgrade me to another seat. But if I don't, then suddenly the flight is full?"
Yes, it appears that is indeed the airline game in place. What an amazing way to make money.
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