Copake Falls

A calm weekend in the country and suddenly life seems manageable...

Life

Peace

Fate

Serenity

Journey

Unknown

Hope

(photos courtesy of me, taken from my hike in Copake Falls)

Meditation Coach: Day 1

I came, I saw, I breathed, I drank.

I had my first meditation session with "the coach". Upon walking into her office, we had the usual greeting.

"How is your day?"
"Fine," I said. "And yours?"
"Oh nice - it's so beautiful outside!"
"Yes, it is. I love Fall."
"So, how have you been since we met last week?"

- PAUSE -

"Um, well, to be honest... I've found I'm very angry and the situation, and the more I think about it, the angrier I get, and the angrier I get, the less I breathe."

- PAUSE - TEARS - GASP FOR BREATH

"Ok, so it seems we found the source of the problem, but that's probably not news to you. It was simply a matter of you just realizing it and now that you have, let's work through it. Close your eyes."

And so I sat there, eyes closed, and waited. She started counting, "One...two...three. One...two...three...One...two...three..." Slowly, I found myself breathing in time with her counting. Inhale for three, exhale for three, breathe in... breathe out...

"Good," she said. "This is positive breathing. This is what you need to remember when you start to feel anxious. Count in threes and breathe."

Suddenly, I started feeling better. Clearer. Like the blockage on my lungs that prevented me from inhaling a good grasp of air had been lifted.

"I want to try something today. It's a word association game - keep your eyes closed."

I just wanted to lay down and sleep, now that I had my breathing back.

"I'm going to say a word and I want you to just say the first word that comes to mind. This will just help us identify what words we associate with anxiety, stress, and panic, and what words we find calming and peaceful."

Ok, I thought, I'm ready. I am, after all, a writer. Words are my meaning, my life. Bring on the words, Meditation Lady.

"Escape," was the first word. I replied, "Farm."
"Fun" --> "Travel"
"Run" --> "Gym"
"Evil" --> "Hijackers"
"Heart" --> "Sister"
"Dream" --> "Paris"
"Boss" --> "Buzz"
"Decadence" -->"Chocolate fountain"
"Food" --> "Kate" (I was leaving meditation and going for dinner with Kate, so that was top of mind)
"Peace" --> "Shalom"
"Calm" --> "Vodka martini"

The Fine Art of Meditation

Today I had my first session with my "meditation counselor." This is a fancy word for "stress therapist", I think, but I'm going with it - I believe you can be whatever you want on your business card, as long as you prove successful in what the business card says. 

Why am I going? Well, those who read my blog regularly know that stress has slowly crept its way into my world over the years and all of a sudden BAM! -- it exploded. I've always been able to manage stress well and I'm a master at the art of multi-tasking, but what I didn't expect was the unfortunate incident last week:

I was at the airport, waiting to board a plane to Fort Myers and all of sudden it hit me. Panic. I've never been afraid to fly, but all of a sudden things went blurry, I couldn't catch my breath, I was dizzy and feeling sick to my stomach, and then I burst into tears in the airport outside gate C31 at Logan International Airport. Why? How? What? I found a quiet corner, counted to 100 and calmed myself down enough to get on a plane. The flight was fine. I was fine. But what the hell was that?

My doctor suggested I had a panic attack and I said, "That's ridiculous. I've never had a panic attack before and I don't think I'm any more stressed than anyone else." That very well may be, but my body seemed to reject the stress-of-the-day last Saturday and the result was 10-minutes of sheer terror and inner-chaos. I agreed to see a "meditation counselor" and learn how to the uncontrollable.

She was pleasant, easy to talk to, and said two important things to me:

1. You seem very grounded and have a firm grasp on reality.

2. You do not need to take the elevator, the stairs are open during my office hours.

We are meeting next week to practice breathing exercises. In the meantime, my homework assignment is to come up with my "happy place."