Matters of the Heart

The 30-something-singles of the world have a tragic feat ahead of them -- we spent a majority of our 20s focused on getting out of our parent's shadow, making it on our own and finally finding a financially-stable place in this downward-spiraling economy. Look around the restaurant the next time you're out to eat -- it's likely the majority of the people dining out are those who fit this mold. We're confident, successful and we spent over a decade saving up for the next great depression. This core group of us didn't focus on marriage or children, and now that we're successfully stable we've turned our desire to the bedroom, and we secretly envy our married friends who were smart enough to do that years ago. Alas, here we are... and to those 30-somethings who still have a spark left in them I'm here to tell you: Dating is so complicated.

One friend put it perfectly: Dating today is more like a job interview... there is no romance in meeting someone new. It's an interview process that focuses on three questions: 

1. Are you smart enough?
2. Are you pretty enough?
3. Will my friends think you're smart and pretty?

Answer "no" to any of the above and the interviewer has moved on to the next candidate. Don't mistake me, ladies -- we do the same thing. The older we get the more focused we are on the things we have already mastered ourselves, and we're looking for someone who can match that inner-intelligence. 

If my friend set me up with you, you must something of a worthy individual, because my friends are exceptional people, which by default makes you exceptional in your own right. So if we can't connect what does that mean? You don't think I'm attractive enough for you? You don't think I'm smart enough for you? You don't think your friends will think I'm attractive or smart enough? 

I look around the table at my single friends and I think to myself, "I wouldn't even fix any of them up with the men I've out with!" I have one man friend who's been in my life for a while and he has described our single group of friends as "intimidating" and "unapproachable." Well, to that I say, if you've dated the men we have you would be slightly picky, too.

I've dated just about every man on the spectrum. The playboy, the druggie, the hippie, the dreamer, the clueless, the dependent and the one who got away. What I've learned through all of this is that with each date, I learn more about myself. But for God's sake... I know me! I've spent 33 years getting to know me! Just once, I want a date that doesn't feel like an interview. I want to sit across the table from someone I've emailed thanks to set-ups, who claim to be one person and turn out to be that person. What's with the front? Why do people - both men and women - put on a facade that they think will attract the opposite sex?

So what is it? What makes women and men today so complicated? Are we really complicated, or do we just have a better understanding of what we want, and we aren't willing to negotiate? We didn't negotiate when it came to our education, our careers, our finances. So does it make sense that we don't negotiate when it comes to matters of the heart that happen in the bedroom?